Adjusting to Parenthood

 
Countless couples underestimate the amount of work that is actually involved in caring for an infant. Until a person has had the responsibility of providing fulltime care for an infant, are they able to understand that it is demanding and exhausting work that can completely reverse the direction of your life. The mother (and her partner) may begin to wonder if her life will ever return to what she used to know as normal. Attempting to fit in all of the demands that are placed on the mother's time and energy will be difficult. However, if the situation is approached correctly and planned carefully and rationally, the mother should be able to minimize the changes in her life and manage to retain some semblance of normality in daily life and relationships. No doubt sacrifices will have to be made but if one plans carefully and considers what is truly important and what is not, the transition with not be as drastic and shocking.

Careful Management

Caring for the baby will likely be much harder than the mother had expected. Firstly, nine months of pregnancy, labor and birth, are emotionally and physically draining; after these events are over, the mother is thrown immediately into the seemingly nonstop job of childcare. Secondly, the mother will find that during the day, her work will not end; each job is seemingly followed by another without end.

These factors make getting enough rest crucial. During the first few months of parenthood, it is unlikely that a newborn will allow the mother and her partner to get more than four hours of sleep at any time. This makes napping during the day important. Trying to nap when the baby naps, rather than using the time to clean, do chores, or spend alone time, may be best for the mother. Diet is also important, particularly if the mother is still breastfeeding the baby. Continuing to eat in the same manner as when pregnant is the mother's best approach. Of course, proportions should be trimmed as the mother is no longer in need of the extra calories. Postnatal diet and nutrition will be discussed more in depth elsewhere. The mother must also drink as many fluids as possible. Hydration is important to good health and energy.

The mother should also look for shortcuts that will save time and energy, and help the mother cope with her new role. For instance, buying prepared meals can be an easy way to save time and forego the stress of meal planning.

Avoiding Guilt
Many new mothers, and many well-established ones for that matter, have strong feelings of guilt. These feelings arise largely from their inability to complete all of the jobs that seem to be designated to their post. The mother must remember that her health and well-being are above any household chores and responsibilities on her list of priorities. The mother can only do her best, and if that is not enough to complete all of the work, then that is fine. Staying healthy for her own sake, and her family, is more important. Remember as well, that it takes on average, a full year for a woman's body to return to its pre-pregnancy form. Thus, the mother's family nor the mother, should expect to much during the first year after birth. The mother will find that in the first month after birth, she has little stamina and energy; and what she does have is easily lost.

Develop a Routine
The mother should develop a routine, or mold her life and jobs around the baby's eating, feeding, and sleeping schedule. The baby should not be forced or taught to eat, sleep, or feed at particular times so that it better fits with what the mother has to do. The mother should find that much of her life does not change when doing this.

Appreciating New Roles

Whether the mother's lifestyle changes are minor or major, she may be having more difficulty adjusting to and accepting her new role. The mother may resent the loss of her own income, the satisfaction of doing a demanding job, and may envy her partners comparatively free and independent lifestyle outside the home.

Conversely, the mother's partner may find it difficult and stressful being the sole wage earner for the family. The mother's partner may also feel shut out and excluded from the close bond that the mother and the baby are developing and share. The mother's partner is likely envious of the mother's domestic lifestyle, especially if he is unaware of how demanding childcare is.

These differing experiences will leave many couples wondering what happened to the closeness and intimacy that pregnancy brought, and whether there will ever be a return to the understanding that was so paramount in the relationship before pregnancy. The simple answer to these questions are 'yes', but it must be remembered that communication and patience is needed. Both partners must understand that despite the fact that the roles they are playing may be much different than what was expected, they are significant. And if the change in lifestyle is worrisome and greater than expected, comfort can be taken in the fact that with time, things will return to some semblance of normality.

Making Personal Time

Of all of the lifestyle changes that accompany new parenthood, lack of time is perhaps the most difficult to deal with. For most new parents it seems that there is very little time for themselves. For the mother, most of her waking and sleeping hours will be devoted to the baby's care and other domestic duties. Understandably, the mother may find this very frustrating and may breed strong feelings of resentment. For the mother, maintaining contact outside the home, continuing her usual lifestyle to some degree, and keeping the lines of communication between she and her partner open will do a great deal in helping the mother cope with the conflicting demands of her energy and time. Parenthood really is a balancing act that requires choices and sacrifices to be made.

Sharing
For the mother and her partner, doing things together once the baby is born is important. Infants are easily taken places so there should be no hesitation to make plans for an excursion. Because the baby will sleep so much during the first few months, and is relatively quiet with the exception of crying outbreaks, the mother may be pleasantly surprised how little he affects her social life when she is out.

The mother and her partner also need to spend quality time alone in order to keep the relationship strong. With the baby's entrance into the mother's life, she will notice that the spontaneity that once was present in the relationship is now gone or is dwindling. Not for lack of desire, but because many spontaneous things are too difficult to do when the baby needs so much care and attention. Thus, making formal appointments to spend time alone can help the mother and her partner keep the spark alive. Although the thought of having to make concrete plans to spend time together may seem ridiculous, it will help.

Personal Time
Everyone needs time alone to think, reenergize, and be in peace. As with every aspect of the mother's life, she will find that time alone is hard to come by. Baby care and domestic work are nearly never-ending after the birth of a child. Thus, just as it was necessary for the mother to plan specific time to spend with friends or with her partner, she must plan time alone.

Adjusting to Parenthood

The first few days, weeks, and months of parenthood can be confusing, and are of course stressful. What makes the time more confounding and stressful is that all of the mother and her partner's time seems to be spent caring for the baby and learning about the daily care of an infant. Supporting one another in the adjustments made during early parenthood is important.

With the baby's arrival, three new relationships form: mother-baby, father-baby, and mother-father. Of these three, the new mother-father relationship is the most complex. The relationship is much different than the one that had been enjoyed prior to parenthood. Prior to the baby's birth, the mother and her partner had related to one another as partners. The mother and her partner are now relating to one another as mother and father. Each will begin to see the other in a new and profound way. The relationship will need to be redesigned in reference to the new roles that each partner has taken. Typically, each partner will be required to be more understanding, flexible, patient, and willing to please than before. These changes, as has been noted already, can put a great strain on a relationship.

The mother and her partner should not be afraid to seek advice if it is needed. Medical staff, midwives, family, and friends, can all be good sources of advice. Some family and friends will be eager to help and provide their wisdom. Advice from experienced parents can not only be helpful and informative, but also reassuring. Some may be too eager however. Advice provided in a condescending or arrogant manner may be not be welcomed. Advice may also be given that runs counter to the mother and her partner's beliefs. In these instances, simply thank those who have tried to help and ignore their words.

What a New Mother Wants from her Partner

1. Recognizing the mother's Vulnerability: The mother's partner must recognize how vulnerable she is, both emotionally and physically, in the first days and weeks after birth.

2. Protecting the mother's Privacy: Perhaps the mother's partner's greatest role will be to make sure that the mother is not inundated by visitors and to provide the mother with the necessary time and space to recover and breastfeed.

3. Appreciate the Depth of the mother's Feelings: The mother's partner must accept the strength of the mother's involvement with the baby after the birth, and not misconstrue this as rejection or conscious neglect.

What a New Father Wants from his Partner

1. Allowance to make Mistakes: The mother must allow her partner time to learn how to handle and care for the baby, and not criticize her partners likely awkwardness with the new tasks. Thus, the mother must expect, accept, and allow her partner to make mistakes.

2. Recognize His Difficulties: The mother must be ready and able to accept this time is just as confusing and emotional for her partner as it is for the mother.

3. Pay Attention to Him: The baby is a time consuming responsibility, but it is best for all parties involved if the mother reserves specific time and attention to pay to her partner.

Supporting Partners

Mothers

If the mother has been at home with the baby for a few months while her partner has been working outside the home, the mother may begin to feel that she has a better knowledge of the baby than her partner. Simultaneously, the mother may feel that she does not receive enough help from her partner when it comes to work around the house and childcare, which can lead to feelings of resentment. These negative feelings can boil over and turn into issues that are hard to resolve. To help prevent this from occurring, the mother should think about how her attitudes may affect her partner.

- the mother should resist the tendency to think and believe that her partner is not as proficient at caring for the baby as the mother is. Her partner's role in childcare is vital; thus encouraging involvement and sharing the workload will benefit all parties.

- If the mother's partner is tired after work, she should be patient. The mother should allow her partner to unwind, and then encourage him to spend time with the baby as a way to relax, rather than as a chore. Suggest giving the baby a bath, lying down with him, or reading him a story.

- the mother should strive for continuous communication. The mother can tell her partner all about her day with the baby. If the day has been difficult, do not bottle it up inside resentfully, nor do not convey it accusingly as if it is her partner's fault.

Although the mother should support her partner during new parenthood, she too should be concerned with supporting herself and building up her own self-esteem.

- the mother should stay in close contact with colleagues at work so that she can keep up to date with career related developments and office politics. This way it will be less of a shock to the mother when returning to work. This will also help the mother feel as though she is still connected to work and are not completely isolated.

- the mother should be proud of her achievements and champion them. As the baby's primary caregiver, the mother should justifiably take pride in the baby's rearing.

- the mother should ensure that she has some time away from the baby - both on her own and with her partner.

Fathers

If the mother's partner is at work and she is at home caring for the baby, he should try to see things from her perspective. Although he will miss being with his new family while at work, he must realize that he gets to face the usual challenges and friendships of working life that the mother cannot. The mother may very well be missing these aspects of work if she has taken time off to care for the baby; this is a change in lifestyle that the mother may be finding particularly difficult to deal with.

- He should call the mother at different times of the day, several times during the week. If he is near enough, he may also consider going home for lunch occasionally to spend time with the mother and the baby.

- He should tell the mother a specific time that he will be home from work and abide by it, barring any unforeseen circumstances. The mother will need to have a break from the baby during the evening, which makes for a perfect time for he and the baby to spend time together.

- the mother's partner should share the ups and downs of his day with the mother, just as she shares hers.

- the mother's partner should make sure that she has time out to relax away from the baby, and to see her friends.

It is likely that one of the mother's greatest grievances will be that her partner is not involved enough with the care of the baby and the house work. Thus it is his responsibility to become more involved:

- If the mother is at home with the baby most of the time, the mother's partner should not conclude that she is the only one that can care for him. The mother's partner's role in childcare is crucial and will be very rewarding to him.

- the mother's partner should take the time and initiative to talk through the events of the day with the mother, finding out if the baby reached any milestones. He can then spend time alone with the baby to experience them for himself.

- the mother's partner should try to utilize days off of work and weekends to spend more time the mother and the baby.

The Beginning of a New Family

Each new family must work out their own relationships and structure. These structures and relationships will change to a degree each time a new member of the family is added. When the baby arrives, he will naturally become the focus of attention, not just for the mother and her partner, but also for family and friends who visit. This is too be expected and is not a bad thing. However, the mother and her partner should be sure to avoid letting the baby become too central. This could come at the cost of the relationship that the mother and her partner share, which should not be neglected or taken for granted. All of the members of the family are equally important, as are their individual needs and desires. The presence of a newborn should not be a threat to this structure. The baby should fit into the existing family framework as an equal - one whom requires more regular attention and care. The mother and her partner should not restructure the family or accept drastically altered lifestyles simply because the title of parent has become relevant - doing so can only lead to resenting the baby's intrusion on the settled lifestyle that the mother and her partner enjoyed prior to his birth.

Attend to the baby's vast needs - feed him when he is hungry, change his diapers when need be, hold him when he is lonely and cries, and lay him to rest when he is tired. Having settled his immediate physical needs, the mother and her partner should care for personal needs and desires as well, making concessions for the baby's presence. The mother and her partner should get the baby accustomed to a life of new experiences, cushioned by love and composure, setting strong foundations for later life. If the mother and her partner merely forego living their lives to take care of the baby, the entire family will miss out on a lot of pleasure, sharing, and bonding. Having said this, it is possible to go too far and involve the baby in activities that are beyond his abilities or healthy limits. The active lives of the mother and her partner must be tempered with the knowledge of what infants can and cannot do, or better put, should and should not do. Just as it is unwise for the mother and her partner to make a complete lifestyle shift, it is unwise and impractical to make no changes at all.

It is not uncommon for parents to fall into a trap in which their infant becomes so loved, he ceases to be a person, but rather an idol of adoration and worship. In such a scenario, every of the infants needs and imagined whims are met with haste, creating a child that is greedy and self-righteous - destined for a rude awakening as he ages, or a life of unpopularity among his peers. Because he is spoiled and not treated as an ordinary person, he misses the ordinary hardships of life, leaving him with a poor and dangerous understanding of how the world works.

The mother and her partner should have shared confidence in the manner that is used to care for the baby. He is after all part of each the mother and her partner. Soon the mother will know the baby better than anyone. Once the mother and her partner have decided upon a general philosophy that will be used to raise the baby, confidence in it should be held, and deviations based on fashion or family tradition should not be made.

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