Domestic Duties And Changing Roles

 
Perhaps the largest bone of contention that the mother and her partner will face during new parenthood revolves around the allocation of responsibilities of parenting and housekeeping. Each partner's familial roles will not only change, but will change in an unexpected way. Most couples today attempt to approach parenthood as a joint venture, the duties of which are split 50-50. The truth of the matter is much more unfortunate, however. It is estimated that only 8. 5% of all fathers take a full 50% of the parenting workload. Fathers are also less likely to make the necessary lifestyle changes and sacrifices required in parenting. These facts are unfortunate but true, as well as inappropriate. Just as it takes two to create a child, it takes two - when available - to care for it. Parenting, like a marriage or relationship is an equal partnership.

Sometimes expecting a perfect 50-50 split of all responsibilities is impractical and idealistic. At the very least, a team approach should be used in rearing children, sharing decisions, family-life responsibilities and rewards. Reality again paints a different picture. Most often it is the mother who stops working and foregoes a career in order to pick up the slack at home and perform most of the household tasks including childcare. And when - that is if - a woman returns to work outside the home, the majority of household responsibilities remain hers. So the household division of labor not only becomes more traditional, but also more unequal with the birth of a child. This can leave the mother feeling angry and overworked, while the father is left confused and guilt ridden.

Expectations, again, tend to differ greatly from reality which is what tends to create the most anguish with new parents. While many couples are happy with this more traditional division of labor, it has become common for more and more not to be. How best to divide these types of responsibilities between mother and father is, as has been noted, the issue most liable to causing conflict. Failed expectations, surprise, and disappointment occur which can lead to tension and blame in the relationship. These tensions need to be countered through deliberate efforts at communication, intimacy, and equal partnership.

Once the baby arrives at home, it will feel as though the workload at home has more than doubled. Responsibilities that seemed benign in a relationship prior to parenthood can become a point of contention which can lead to conflict. It should be agreed upon that as long as both sides are contributing as much as possible, it is not worth fighting about who does what or how much.

List of Common Household Responsibilities

If unplanned changes in responsibility do occur and neither partner is happy with the shift, they will need to make an active and conscious effort to work out what both can agree is a fair division of duties. This will help both partners feel as though they are not being forced into a task. They have agreed upon given roles and duties and willingly accepted those responsibilities. The following is a list of common household responsibilities and everyday jobs that families with new babies typically need to perform. This list will help the mother and her partner divide responsibilities and predict and deal with areas of contention before they arise. The list is not meant to be a scoring device, or one that is split up evenly. Rather it is a reminder of all of the activities and duties that normally need to be done around the house.

Household and Family Tasks

- providing the family income
- car maintenance
- payment of bills
- taking out the garbage
- meal planning and preparation
- shopping for food and other necessities
- yard care and general maintenance
- house repairs
- house cleaning

Family Decisions

- purchasing major items
- general finances
- working outside the home
- booking social engagements
- vacation decisions
- organizing participation in community activities

Childcare

- purchasing major items
- responding to the baby's cries
- arranging medical visits for the baby (regular checkups and unexpected visits due to illness or emergency)
- getting up at night when the baby cries
- doing the baby's laundry
- buying the baby's toys, clothes, and accessories
- arranging for babysitters
- taking the baby out and for walks
- playing with the baby
- planning the baby's meals and feeding him
- diapering
- bathing

Outside Assistance

There are some alternatives to dividing the work that can be considered. These options can help decrease stress and tension between partners:
- join a parent support group
- if it can be afforded, consider hiring someone to help with the housework and yard work. Be clear about whose responsibility it is to make these arrangements)
- join a babysitting coop, or initiate one if there is not one in your area

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