Sibling Rivalry

 
If the mother and her partner have other children, they may notice quickly that there is evidence of sibling rivalry brewing with the baby's introduction into the family. For most children, the novelty of having a new baby brother or sister will wear off quickly, and they may begin to develop feelings of resentment and spite towards the baby. These feelings arise when the older children's natural desire to have the attention and love of their parents lavished on them is stunted by the baby, who is now commanding the attention that they once got. These and natural feelings and there is much that the mother can do to help guide siblings through these times.

The arrival of the baby will be a joyous time for most of the family. For older siblings, however, it can be very confusing. Their position in the family has changed and their daily routines are being altered. Older siblings will realize that their parents no longer have as much time for them, and much of this lost attention is going towards their now sibling. This realization can lead to older children becoming jealous of the baby and developing a sense of envy towards him. This is what is known as sibling rivalry. It is most common in older children who have had a daily routine for some time now, and have never before had to compete for the attention and love of their parents.

Sibling rivalry, generally speaking, tends to be at its highest when older siblings are between the ages of one and three at their sibling's birth. At this age children are still dependent upon their parents for every need, and are typically unfamiliar with sharing. This can make a new baby very threatening to them.

After the age of three children tend to become more independent - relying upon their parents less and less for meeting their needs. For example, children older than three are typically toilet trained and are able to feed themselves. When their dependence on parents decreases, so will feelings of sibling rivalry.

What Can be Expected of Older Children Suffering from Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry can take many different forms and be displayed in numerous ways. The following is a list of older children's common reactions to the birth of a new sibling:

• Attention Seeking Behavior: In order to regain the level of attention they had prior to the arrival of the baby, older children may resort to negative behavior. Children will often become more demanding and difficult, all in an effort to garner more attention.

• Covert Hostility: Some children may show great love and care for the baby when around him, and then exhibit hostility and anger towards him in other ways. The hostility may be very subtle. For instance, it may be expressed in a hug that is too tight, causing the baby to cry.

• Jealousy: Older children will display feelings of jealousy towards the time and attention that the baby receives not only from parents but from others such as grandparents, friends, and other family.

• Overt Hostility: Older children may openly express anger and hostility towards the baby. Such overt hostility is normal and should be expected and dealt with. It should be made known to the older child that hitting or hurting the baby in any way is not allowed and is bad.

• Regression: Older children will commonly regress to behaviors that they had outgrown in an effort to regain some of the attention that they lost. Such regression is normal, natural, and will likely not last very long. Thus, the mother should not worry, nor should she punish such actions. Acts of regression may include, wanting to drink out of a bottle, toilet trained kids having accidents, and thumb sucking.

• Withdrawal: Older children may react to their new sibling by withdrawing. Normally active, vocal children may become quiet and more passive. They may sulk and mope, and refuse to play. Over time, with acceptance of the new sibling, withdrawal will fade.

How to Prepare Older Children for a New Sibling and Deal with Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is practically inevitable and there is little that parents can do to prevent or completely eliminate it. There are, however, various measures that can be taken to minimize rivalry and jealousy among older children. Preparing a child for the arrival of a new sibling can go a long way in reducing future sibling rivalry.

There are a number of actions that parents can take to help ease the transition from only-, or youngest-child, to older child.

• Inform Children of the Pregnancy: Telling older children that the mother is pregnant is a good idea. Telling the child too early is not ideal. Nine months can be a long time for a young child to wait. It is better to tell the child when the mother is showing, and they begin question her changing size and shape. The mother should not however, wait until the eighth or ninth month to inform a child of the impending arrival.

• Inform Older Children of What to Expect: the mother should explain to her older children exactly what will happen while she is in the hospital. The mother should let her children know who will be taking care of them, where they will be staying, and when they will be able to see and talk to both parents and the baby. The mother must try to prepare her older children for the changes that will occur in their lifestyle after the baby comes home from the hospital. The mother should mention that they will be very busy with the baby, that he will cry a lot and will eat and sleep a lot. The mother should also explain to her older children that although caring for the baby will take a lot of time, this does not mean that they are loved any less than the baby, or less then they were before the baby arrived.

• Include Older Children in the Preparation of the baby's Arrival: the mother should let her older children take part in any preparations for the baby's arrival. For example, the mother can let older children help get the baby's room ready, or she can take them on a tour of the hospital. This way, they will know exactly where the mother will be while she is away. The mother can also take her older children to a prenatal check-up and let them listen to their new brother or sister's heartbeat. After the baby is born, the mother should let the older children visit the hospital, if it's allowed, and let them hold the baby if they want to.

• Take Measures so that the baby's Arrival Alters as Little as Possible and is minimally Obtrusive in the lives of Older Children: If changes such as moving older children into another room, or from a crib into a bed are necessary with the baby's arrival, they should be done months prior to the baby's arrival. This will help to minimize the older children's feeling that they are being replaced, or shoved aside to make room for the baby.

• Encourage Older Children to Help with the baby: Easing older children into their role as big brother or sister can help to minimize rivalry. By giving older children a sense of responsibility for the baby, they will tend to feel less hostile about his presence. The mother can reinforce this by telling the older children what a good job they are doing and how much their help is appreciated. The mother should not force older children to help if they do not want to. Forcing them to help could make the resentment they feel towards the baby much greater.

• Set Aside Time to Spend Solely With Older Children: Older children will need reassurance that they have not been abandoned. Spending time alone with them on a regular basis can help send the message that they are still important and loved. Alone time should not be only when the baby is sleeping. If alone time is spent only while the baby is asleep, older children will come to believe that the baby is more important and they are secondary.

• Patience, Support, and Understanding: the mother and her partner should do everything possible to make older children know that they are still loved unconditionally and that they are important. Supporting them in anyway possible is a good idea, as is having the patience to listen and play with them. It is helpful to understand and be sympathetic of what they may be going through.

These actions are very important in minimizing and preventing rivalry. There are also a number of actions that should be avoided so that rivalry is not heightened:

• Do not ask older children if they want a younger brother or sister. They have no choice in the matter, and if they answer no, they will feel as though you have betrayed them or ignored them when the baby is born

• Do not try to garner support for having a new baby, from older children by telling them that the baby will be a playmate for them. On the contrary, the baby will likely be a burden to them, and will not be a decent playmate for several years

• Do not ignore or accept bad behavior from older children. If ignored it will not go away and feelings of resentment will remain. Instead, identify the problem and deal with it.

• Do not try to rush older children into achieving certain goals before the baby is born in order to make like easier when the baby does arrive. Trying to pressure a child into toilet training or dressing themselves can be counterproductive. They will reach these feats when they are ready.

How to Cope with Rivalry when it occurs

As stated earlier, sibling rivalry is unavoidable. Whenever two or more children are living together, and competing for the attention and love of their parents, jealousy and conflict is bound to occur to some degree. Expecting and preparing for this inevitability can go a long way in minimizing the severity of the rivalry. There are a number of steps that the mother and her partner can take when sibling rivalry does occur in order to minimize it:

• If the child is old enough, the mother may try to encourage them to talk about their feelings. The mother should encourage them to speak how they feel whether what they say is positive or negative. Try to gear the talk to the child's level and make sure to reinforce their feelings. The mother should show sympathy for their situation and make sure that the older child knows that they are not alone.

• If older children show the effects of sibling rivalry by withdrawing, the mother should show the child plenty of love, affection, and attention. Also, encouraging the child to be outgoing and play can help.

• Set strict limits on the anger and hostility that older children are allowed to show. The mother must define acceptable and non-acceptable behavior. Not setting restrictions could lead to a great amount of acting out, or situations in which hostility is translated into physical harm done to the baby. Misbehavior should not be dealt with through punishment or anger. Rather the mother should try to teach the older child that although it is alright to feel angry, it is not alright to act in that manner.

• Parents must be realistic. Expecting older children to immediately shower love and affection on the baby is unreasonable. This type of relationship will develop over time, and expecting it to come naturally will only lead to disappointment.

• The mother should attempt to sympathize with older children. Letting the child know that their feelings are legitimate and understood can help to make the situation much easier for them to deal with.

• Negative and attention seeking behavior should be dealt with immediately so that it is understood that such actions are unacceptable. Letting such actions go with out repercussions will only send the message that it is acceptable.

• Do not force older children to share their toys or other possessions with the baby. This will send the message that they are secondary and that the baby is more important. Sharing is often difficult for young children and forcing it will only foster greater feelings of rivalry and hostility, not only towards the baby, but possibly also towards the mother and her partner.

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