Postpartum Relations - Partners In Turmoil

 
Relationships between partners often suffer great turmoil after the birth of a baby. If the mother and her partner are experiencing postpartum relationship difficulties, she should not worry too much; this is, after all, quite normal and almost expected. As has already been discussed, because the mother will be so focused on and consumed with the baby, others in her life, including her partner, may feel that they are being neglected and not receiving the attention and affection that they deserve. This can lead to infighting and/or tension between the couple.

Beyond this tension and the stress placed on relationships by a new baby, couples must also deal with other issues. These include resuming sexual relations; the reassignment of domestic responsibilities; the acceptance of lifestyle changes; building a new family identity; returning to work; accepting fatherhood and motherhood; and reestablishing and reinventing a new identity and routine as a couple.

This section is meant to bring light to these issues and help couples recognize and address them before they get out of hand and gather into much larger problems. It is acknowledged here that the introduction of a new baby into a family and relationship is stressful and changes the dynamic of the environment greatly. A couple that had previously been focused solely on each other and possibly their careers will now find that their attention is fragmented and split between many different responsibilities.

Couples: The Stress And Strain Of Being A New Parent

With the birth of the baby, the mother and her partner are no longer a couple, but a family. The baby's birth is a momentous event, which stands as a declaration of the love that the mother and her partner have for each other and signals a mutual interest in a future together. Considering this, it is surprising that such a significant occasion, one filled with so much positive emotion and endearing messages could also be one of the most stressful and trying times of a relationship.

New parenthood is the embarkation of a new way of life. It can be a scary and stressful time. The love that the mother and her partner share for one another and the baby - a symbol of union - will help maintain the bond. It has been shown that the couples who take the time to care for and cherish one another are the ones that stay the happiest and are best able to survive the new challenges of parenthood.

The mother and her partner will both be overwhelmed and strained by the sudden chaos and disorganization that the baby brings to life. This will be compounded by the interrupted sleep that both will get. Each day brings new challenges as the mother and her partner will have to learn to care for and understand the baby and his needs. The baby creates much more work for both partners to undertake each day. The result is a steep learning curve - a great deal of information and procedure must be learned in a relatively short time. All of these factors make this joyous time one of stress as well. With so much attention is lavished on the baby, relationships can go uncared for.

Many parents expect that the expression of their love for one another through the birth of a child will help bring them ever closer together. Many couples are shocked and disappointed when this does not immediately happen. While having a baby can have the effect of bringing a couple closer together, this is typically a long term reality. In the short term, couples are more likely to be faced with conflicting demands and desires between themselves, leading to stress and quarrel. This can make new parenthood particularly hard on a relationship - the exact opposite outcome than what was expected. Regardless of how well a couple got along prior to the birth of their child, many new parents experience disagreement and strife during their child's first year of life. This can lead them to grow increasingly disenchanted with one another as a couple. This is not to say that all couples will experience such conflict, but it is common. Knowing that it may occur and how to deal with it will help minimize the harm done.

Once the baby arrives, the mother and her partner will have both large and small issues that will need to be dealt with. The majority of these issues will surround the division of responsibilities and how to stay connected with one another despite the new forces that seem to push you apart. Expecting these problems will aid couples in preventing stress and disagreement from manifesting itself into disenchantment and dissatisfaction. The new and taxing responsibilities of parenthood, compounded by the unpredictable and hectic schedules and complete exhaustion can easily create reduced communication and time spent fostering a healthy and satisfying relationship.

Part of dealing with the challenges of new parenthood is separating expectations from reality - myth from fact. Many couples seem to think that the entrance of an infant into their lives will fulfill their dreams and complete their lives. This expectation is a myth for most. The reality of the situation is that while many of the dreams do come true, it is not instantaneous and they must be helped along. That first week, month, and year of parenthood typically brings with it a strong dose of reality that can be troublesome and stress inducing. When a couples expectations or dreams do not match reality, stress and conflict can follow. When reality fails to meet expectations it is easy to deduce that something is being done wrong and blame is placed. What hurts a relationship the most is not that the challenges of parenthood are too great to handle for couples, but that the couples are not pragmatically prepared to deal with them. Unrealistic expectations that go unchecked can lead to partners blaming one another for the failure to meet these dreams. Mistakenly and foolishly, the couple then begins to believe that their relationship is troubled.

The new challenges of parenthood and the unrealistic expectations of couples for their new lives are not the only problems that bring turmoil to a relationship during new parenthood. In addition to these factors, the arrival of a baby can often intensify existing tensions in a relationship. Much of these tensions will revolve around the how responsibilities inside and outside of the home will be allocated. This can include the division of domestic chores, who will work and who will stay at home, and who will take primary responsibility for the care of the new baby. New parenthood may bring unexpected role changes that can be disappointing. Parenthood can cause old tensions to resurface. What makes it so hard to deal adequately with these tensions is the fact that the new baby takes up so much time, making it difficult to sustain a happy relationship.

The real challenge of parenthood is maintaining the strong relationship that existed prior to birth. This will likely require adaptation and time. With a better idea of the stresses and challenges that will be faced, a couple can better maneuver their way through parenthood in one piece.

Defusing Areas Of Possible Conflict

When issues of contention do arise during new parenthood, there are a number of steps that couples can take in order to help defuse conflict before serious harm is done. These measures include:

1. Discussing who should take what Responsibility: Each partner likely has different ideas regarding the roles that men and women should each play in a relationship. These views can contain unconscious hidden agendas. Thus, they should be discussed calmly and challenged. Discussing expected roles and compromising can help avoid misunderstandings and fights when it comes time for various jobs to be undertaken.

2. Learn to Manage Stress: Different people react to stress in different ways. When one partner is stressed, it can cause the other to feel stress too. Working together, couples can attempt to develop stress management techniques that can prevent spreading the stress that one partner feels to the other, and from allowing particularly stressful periods from causing great harm to a relationship.

3. Discuss Individual Expectations: As already mentioned unrealistic and unmet expectations can lead to couples blaming one another for these failures. It can also lead to feelings of disenchantment and disappointment with a relationship. When the expectations of a couple diverge, it is best to discuss a compromise. Finding joint expectations that are realistic and striving for them can not only prevent conflict, but can create a sense of togetherness and accomplishment when they are finally met.

4. Always Put Family First: Placing the needs of your new family in front of your own can help to prevent conflict that arises when individual desires do not mesh with what is best for the family. Family building requires great compromise, and a redefinition of what is important to you.

5. Take Time to Listen Intently to Each Other: Taking the time to share your feelings with one another can be rewarding. This will help a couple discover areas of tension and disagreement before they become an issue and allows them to come to a resolution. Discussions must be done carefully, without sarcastic or condescending tones. Trying to prevent problems prior to their occurrence should not turn into a fight itself.

6. Make it a Goal to Resolve Conflict Immediately: Resolving conflict immediately when it does occur will help prevent it from building into a problem that becomes more severe and unmanageable. Coming to a mutually agreed solution will help both sides move on and feel vindicated.

Keeping The Relationship Strong And Fresh

Upon the baby's birth, he became a defining aspect of the mother and her partner's relationship. This does not change the fact that the mother and her partner still exist as a couple, just as before the birth. As such it is likely that the mother and her partner desire to keep that meaningful relationship intact. The mother should not be fooled; it takes a great deal of effort to achieve this. Both partners need to be committed to preserving and maintaining the connection that was shared and treasured prior to parenthood. In this section some ideas about how to keep the relationship fresh and alive will be discussed.

Being Considerate to one another and treating yourselves well is important. After nine months of pregnancy and the stress and strain of adjusting to life with an infant, the mother and her partner may begin to wonder when, or if, normality, or some semblance of it, will return. Careful planning to manage time and energy, as well as occasionally rewarding yourselves is beneficial to the relationship and essential to the reestablishment of a strong relationship. Finding ways to spoil one another can help a relationship stay strong and grow new bonds. Reducing stress and forgetting disagreements is essential in keeping a relationship together under the pressures of new parenthood.

Keeping the relationship strong also does not necessarily require that time together as a couple is maximized. Alone time is also needed. Between caring for the baby, work, chores, and spending time together as a couple, the mother and her partner may feel that personal time is neglected or nonexistent. When a person is not given any time to be alone, they may become irritable and feel crowded. This can lead to feelings of resentment and further stress in a relationship. For this reason, providing one another with personal space and time is only beneficial to a relationship. Time alone will allow each partner to reenergize and renew strength and commitment to the family and relationship.

Making time to be a couple is vital as well. Pampering one another as before the baby's birth can help to renew the strong feelings that once flooded the relationship. Only a few hours spent together without having to care for another person can go a long way in renewing a relationship.

Massage techniques learned during pregnancy can be used to help one another relax. It also helps to slowly renew the sensual physical feelings that many couples find lacking after birth.

It is important as well for the mother and her partner to find time to work on the relationship. Creating time for each other appears to be a secret of couples whom are able to keep a happy relationship during the first difficult year of parenthood. Couples who make the effort tend to enjoy their relationship more and are better able to cope with the difficulty of parenting. Finding the time to spend together is easier said than done unfortunately.

How to Talk to your Partner:

Because the mother and her partner have known each other for so long and knew how to communicate with each other in the past, it seems ridiculous that with the advent of parenthood this would become a difficult task. But because parenting is so greatly time consuming and emotions run rampant, it may be difficult to find time speak and to communicate in a productive manner when time is found. Because of these factors, the mother and her partner may have to plan what was once routine - communication. It may also be necessary to set guidelines for communication so that emotions are not allowed to rule. Taking time out to communicate with each other in an orderly and civil manner helps couples to feel better about their relationship and improves the care that is given to their child. The baby too will benefit from the mother and her partner's communication efforts. There are some simple reminders to follow which will help communication work effectively:

1. Schedule regular time to spend together. Plan time that will be spent alone, but do not make the plans vague and hence, easily broken.

2. If time alone is to be spent talking and working out various problems, plan to discuss only one problem at each meeting. Trying to solve too much at one time can do more harm than good.

3. When communicating, ensure that each partner is given equal opportunity to express themselves and share their concerns.

4. Using communication time to blame and criticize is wasted time and counterproductive. If the mother and her partner are to share the responsibilities of parenting, blame must also be shared.

5. Be sure to discuss the positive as well as the negative. Spending communication time to merely hash out problems can leave the experience a negative one that neither partner wants to repeat.

6. When communicating, do not interrupt one another. Fruitful communication requires that each person be given a fair chance to express their concerns and feelings.

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