Resuming Sex After Birth

 
A couple's sexual relationship is one of the many aspects of a relationship that will have to adjust after a birth. Talking openly and honestly with one another regarding sexual needs and expectations can help prevent this adjustment from becoming a contentious issue in the relationship. While one partner may be ready to resume a normal sexual relationship, the other may not yet be ready or able for a variety of physical and/or psychological reasons.

Fatigue is one such reason. A nine month pregnancy and a long labor, coupled with the new responsibilities can leave the mother physically and mentally drained, and uninterested in sexual relations. The stress and strain of parenthood can have the same result on fathers.

Physically speaking, the mother may feel uncomfortable with the shape of her body after pregnancy and may not want close physical contact. She may also be recovering from a cesarean section or other procedures which could cause the mother pain or discomfort during intercourse.

The mother may also be suffering from postpartum depression, again leaving the mother with little desire for sex. The mother's partner may also be having a difficult time adapting to his new roles, and stressed by his new situation.

Many couples worry that sex after pregnancy will hurt or cause harm to the mother; this worry can be valid but not for long. With time any pregnancy related wounds will heal and sexual intercourse can resume with little worry.

Other couples choose to abstain from sex after birth in order to prevent the chances of another pregnancy so close to a birth. This can be a good idea if both partners do not want another child for a while, but contraception is another option.

While some women are weary of sex after birth, some women have intense sexual desires during the time following birth; perhaps stronger than they have ever felt.

How Long to Wait Before Resuming Sex

There really is no normal amount of time that couples wait before resuming sex. The average time before sex is resumed is about seven weeks. By the fourth month after pregnancy, 90% of couples resume sex; 10% resume intercourse with in the first month after birth.

Most physicians recommend abstaining from sex for between four and six weeks after birth. This allows the woman's body to heal properly and the vagina and uterus to return to normal size. This process tends to occur quicker in mothers who breastfeed.

There are health risks in engaging in intercourse too soon after birth. The greatest of these risks is infection. Intercourse can also be painful if the mother is recovering from an episiotomy, which could take a number of months to heal.

General advice given to new parents today states that sex should be resumed when both partners feel ready and willing. There are, as mentioned some physical problems that can leave a mother unable or without desire for sex following birth. These include:

- Vaginal Discomfort: The mother may feel sore and tender. The vagina may be bruised, making sex painful. An episiotomy may have been performed which would make resuming sex painful as well, and could last for months. The vagina may be dry making sex uncomfortable without a lubricant.
- Cesarean: A cesarean is a major abdominal surgery and requires time to heal. It is not recommended that sex resume until six weeks after a cesarean section.
- Libido: It is not uncommon for sex drive in new parents, both male and female, to decrease after birth. It should return slowly after a few months.
- Breastfeeding: Breastfeeding mothers may experience breast milk leakage during sex, especially when nearing orgasm
- Fatigue: Sleep is at a premium when caring for an infant and many new parents will opt for sleep over sex. It should not be difficult to understand if one partner is too tired for sex
- Lochia: Sex should not be resumed until this vaginal discharge has stopped, which will take at least three weeks

Tips for Resuming Sex

Sexual relations should be resumed slowly. There should be a build up to penetration. Many couples prefer to gratify each other sexually with out engaging in intercourse, and slowly building up to penetration.

Many couples will find that there will be an increased need for lubricant during sex. The decreased level of estrogen after birth can lead to vaginal dryness.

Many couples will need to experiment with new positions. Side-by-side positions or woman-on-top positions will allow the mother to control the depth and speed of penetration. This is ideal because the mother will likely be sore and tender. Allowing the mother full control can make the process more comfortable.

The mother should not be disappointed if she did not achieve orgasm. Many women, even those who were highly orgasmic prior to birth, have a great deal of trouble having an orgasm the first few weeks or months after birth.

Do not expect too much when resuming sex. There can be a great deal of soreness and pain, and sessions may be cut short. The key is open and honest communication between partners.

Remember that regular sex keeps partners and their relationship healthy. Regular sex will help to keep partners relaxed, affectionate, light hearted, and less argumentative.

Other Tips:

1. Take it slow
2. Bathe and shower together
3. Plan for birth control carefully
4. Plan time alone, even if it is just to cuddle and hold one another
5. Relearn one another's bodies and minds
6. Be spontaneous. Regaining the spontaneity that once defined a relationship can help rekindle passion
7. Quality over quantity. It is not how much time a couple puts into the physical affection of one another but the quality of time that is spent
8. Never hesitate to say no
9. Communicate fears of resuming sex openly

Sex should not be resumed simply because one partner believes that the other wants it. It is normal for new parents to feel confused sexually. There is a tension between wanting sex and feeling that one should not want it because they should be looking after their newborn. Sexual rejection during the first weeks or months after a birth should not be taken personally. This is a time of adjustment and redefinition for all parties involved. It can be a stressful time, and sex may not be of concern or priority to many. Couples will need to communicate with each other and discuss thoroughly why each wants or does not want to resume sex.

Sex can be beneficial. It can not only help keep partners close and connected, but it can also help reduce the tension and stress generated by a newborn.

The Father and Sexual Relations

Many fathers experience a decreased libido after the birth of their child. This is completely normal and should not be cause for great concern. Often it is a good thing because it will allow the father to concentrate on his new role and his recovering partner. While many men do experience decreased sex drives, most man are also ready to resume sex before their partners are. There are a number of reasons for a decreased libido in new fathers:

- Being too fatigued and preoccupied with infant care and other responsibilities
- Being frightened of physically hurting the mother
- Having been witness to the birth
- the baby may share a bedroom with the mother and her partner
- Believing that the mother's body belongs to the baby and thus having difficulty seeing the mother sexually

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