The Father: Evolving Relations and Roles

 
The fathers-to-be of today are much more involved in the planning and management of pregnancy, and the actual birthing process. This is opposed to being the passive observer they were only a couple decades ago. The encouragement and promotion of a greater role for expectant fathers has lead to a greater sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in family matters. It has also led to new roles and responsibilities - the primary role of the father is no longer as breadwinner. He is now a devoted family man who is able to relegate work to a secondary role under family and can balance the two easily. This altered role typically begins to take shape during pregnancy while their partners are incapacitated and unable to perform their usual tasks, which then must be taken over by the expectant fathers.

Most fathers will find that while expectant mothers begin to alter their outlooks and roles as soon as they know they are pregnant, the reality of fatherhood is typically not completely grasped until the midpoint of pregnancy when the physical changes in a mother truly begin to show. This differentiation between the mother and father in the acceptance and realization of parenthood can often lead to misunderstandings and conflict because early on in pregnancy the father can be seen as an uninterested participant. Communication in these circumstances is crucial. Fathers must be open with their partners, communicate their concerns, and listen to those of their partner. The mother can also attempt to further involve her partner in the pregnancy and help him realize they are truly expecting a child in a number of ways. These include letting him feel the baby kick, singing, reading, and talking to the baby, and sharing medical exams and information.

Pregnancy and approaching fatherhood often heighten ones sense of family and lineage. This greater consciousness is usually reflected in a deeper respect for one's parents and a new relationship with them - especially the father. Pregnancy may also bring new concerns to the father regarding how his father raised him and how he will raise the baby. Unhappiness in the expectant father's memories of childhood and child-parent relationships may lead him to alter how he raises his child. These recollections can also sometimes lead to the expectant father attempting to reconcile and patch old wounds with his parents.

Some of the questions that the expectant father may be pondering can include:

- Am I ready and willing to take time away from my career for my child?

- Am I financially stable enough to care for my family adequately?

- Am I ready and able to raise a well-adjusted child?

- Am I ready for my sex life to change?

- Am I ready to accept the change in my relationship with my partner?

- Am I ready to be a committed and responsible father?

- Am I prepared to assist my partner in labor?

- Am I ready to be a decent role model?

- Am I ready to take on new responsibilities that will restrict the freedom that I previously had?

These are questions that the expectant father will not likely be able to answer.

Providing Emotional Support

The physical and hormonal changes of pregnancy and the daunting prospect of labor and motherhood can have profound effects on the mother's emotional well-being. Fathers need to play a special role in reducing and managing the anxiety and fear of mothers. Again communication is the key. He must communicate with the mother and share his fears and concerns with the mother ; reassuring the mother that they are in this together and he too has mixed emotions regarding the pregnancy. Her emotional state is likely to make misunderstandings and quarrels common. Fathers must counter this emotional sensitivity through understanding and communication. He must be willing to appease these concerns and accept them as legit. He must also be attendant of the mother's self-esteem which can be lowered greatly during pregnancy due to changes in physical appearance. Reassurance that he still finds her attractive, and expressions of love are important here, despite, perhaps, being greatly out of character. Great emotional support is also provided when expectant fathers attend child birth and pregnancy related classes with their partners. This will help the mother feel as though pregnancy is a team effort and she is not alone in the process.

Providing Physical Support

Fatigue and the mother's growing size are the greatest restrictions on her physical actions. Fathers can help tremendously by helping motivate her when fatigue is at its worst and by picking up the slack on household duties and chores. Although this seems helpful and considerate, he must be sure to discuss taking greater household responsibilities with her. Many women will feel threatened or useless if her responsibilities are overtaken. He can provide physical as well as emotional support by doing a number of different things to help the mother. These can include: getting the mother snacks she craves, helping out with household chores, massages, helping the mother bathe, letting the mother know how attractive she is, cooking, and taking the mother out or on a vacation.

Common Fears of Fatherhood

Expectant fathers too have concerns and fears surrounding the prospect of parenthood and birth. It is important that he discuss these fears and concerns with his partner. Worries that are not discussed can create tension and distance between the expectant parents. Expressing these concerns can ensure a healthy relationship during pregnancy. Some of the more common concerns of a father are:

Birth Defects

The possibility of birth defects is a common worry for expectant fathers as it is for mothers. The thought of raising a challenged child is a concern for fathers both financially and emotionally. Although the chances of a defect occurring are not great, the threat is still there and can cause concern. Again communication between partners is paramount in calming fears and concerns. The possibility of defects and the fears surrounding it can motivate him to ensure that the pregnancy and his partner are healthy and safe.

Maternal Death

It is not uncommon for expectant fathers to be overly concerned with every pain, ache, and discomfort of the mother - even more so than she is. This stems largely from his concern that the mother may die during labor. These fears are not irrational but it should be kept in mind that labor related deaths are uncommon as modern medicine has made great advances in preventing and managing labor complications.

Fathers are also usually concerned with the potential death of the child that the mother is carrying. As careful and thoughtful as partners may be in ensuring the health of their child, stillbirths and miscarriages occur. Knowing that these are uncommon occurrences can be reassuring. Talking with a doctor regarding the possibility of death of the mother or child is often a good solution to these anxieties. Also, touring the birthing facilities can help ease concerns.

Financial Concerns

Typically men are the primary breadwinner for families. Although this is slowly changing it is true from most families. This financial responsibility can be a lot to handle especially when one considers the expansion of a family and how many people one must support. Talking about finances can be very helpful. This will allow both you and your partner to budget and decide what areas of spending can be reduced or altered together. These choices will be hard, but making them together can certainly lessen the financial burden that many expectant fathers feel is on them. Many may see greater hours at work as a solution to increased financial responsibility. However, he must remember that time spent at work is time away from his expectant partner and family who need his emotional and physical support as well.

Changing Relations with their Partner

Many fathers fear that with the entrance of a new baby into their lives, their partner will be neglectful of their relationship and needs. These concerns typically begin early in pregnancy and are rational. Expectant mothers tend to become more introverted and introspective which can leave their partners feeling neglected and abandoned. It is important the he realize that this is normal. It is advised that he find ways to be involved with the pregnancy so he can garner the attention he desires. Attending child birth and pregnancy related classes, and setting aside alone time for he and the mother are great steps. Fhe must also realize that his relationship with the mother will be affected by the birth of the baby. The attention he receives from the mother will decrease as the baby demands attention and care. Again, this can be solved by getting involved in child rearing.

Worries Surrounding Birth

Many men agree to and desire attending the birth of their child. However, the prospect of witnessing birth makes many unsettled. This stems largely from the feeling of helplessness that they have while their partner is in labor. Others are concerned with being in the way in the delivery room, or having to deal with the blood and fluids involved with labor. Speaking to the mother and her physician are important in alleviating fears. Most women will want their partners present.

Labor and Delivery

Most women want their partners present during delivery to provide emotional support and encouragement. Many fathers are scared by the prospect of being present for a birth and tend to shy away for various reasons. Fathers must realize that the hardest part of labor is done by the mother and their presence during the process can go a long way in reducing the physical and emotional strain. He is there to comfort and relax the mother. He can also play an active role in labor by timing contractions and coaching his partner through them. A well prepared father can be of great assistance in the delivery room. His job as a comforter and supporter should not be taken lightly. His familiar presence will help relax the mother and ease her inhibitions around hospital staff. Typically fathers are placed at the head of the delivery table allowing him the same view as his partner. Together they can watch their child enter the world. Many partners feel that sharing the birthing experience has brought them much closer together and made their relationship stronger. Many fathers do not feel connected to their child during pregnancy. These fathers typically do not bond with their child until they see and hold them for the first time after delivery. This is one reason why attending the birth is so important.

There are distinct steps that fathers can take at each step of the labor process to ensure that the birth is as successful as possible.

Prelude to Labor

He should be sure to alert the appropriate people at work that he may have to leave any moment to support the mother in birth. He should also ensure that the mother always knows where he is and how to reach him.

Early and First Stages of Labor

The greatest role the father can play here is to ensure that the mother is comfortable. Being supportive and cheerful between contractions is also vital. Talking, playing games, or watching television can help keep spirits high during the early stages of labor. As labor progresses he should continue to help his partner relax and help her switch positions if necessary. He should encourage her to remain inclined (laying flat can cause distress to the baby), and support her in her decisions regarding pain relief and drugs. The father should also remind the mother to empty her bladder between every one or two hours.

Late First Stage

Labor typically starts to become hard at this stage and the mother may not want to talk. Keeping her relaxed and distracted from the pain by any means is the main role of the father here. The father should continue to help with position changes, reassure the mother that she is almost done, and accept any angry or emotional outbursts or tantrums that his partner may have. No matter what happens, he should not leave her side at this point.

Second Stage

Again, the father should do all he can to ensure that the mother is as comfortable as possible, and reassure her of the great job she is doing.

Third Stage

At this stage the father should support his partner in any decision she makes regarding treatments and medications. He should also take the chance to acquaint himself with his new child and take every advantage he has to hold the baby.

Essentially the role of the father is to provide emotional support, combat fatigue, help the mother deal with pain, offer comfort and advice, speak on the mother's behest, assist with breathing, and provide a comforting and familiar presence during delivery.

Changes Pregnancy may bring in the Father's Life

Work and Career

If the father's job entails long hours, extensive travel, or great amounts of time away from the home he should consider making changes as soon as possible. He will need time to enjoy life with the mother before the birth of the baby, and he needs to be available to do things around the house and aid the mother in any way possible. Cutting down on hours and reducing travel - especially near the due date - will ensure that he is there for the birth of his baby. Remember due dates are not accurate. Clearly the father will be facing a dilemma between the belief and feeling that he should be putting in more hours at work to ensure the financial security of his new family, and being at home to care for the mother and unborn child.

Social Life

The father should ensure that he is not staying out late keeping the mother, who needs sleep, awake. He needs to also be weary of smoke filled places such as bars and clubs. Second hand smoke is extremely dangerous. Loud noises are also detrimental to the health of the unborn baby, and thus taking the mother to a concert or bar is not recommended. The father must also consider the fact that the mother may be suffering from nausea and other pregnancy related illnesses that make dining out and other social events uncomfortable and undesirable. Because a new baby is so demanding on the free time of parents, it is a good idea that the father begin giving up activities while the mother is pregnant so the restrictions on his time do not seem so great after birth.

Tips for Expectant Fathers:

1. Be involved in the pregnancy from the very beginning. This helps the father feel part of the pregnancy from the start and lets the mother know that he is interested.

2. Take time to learn as much about pregnancy, labor, and parenthood as possible. This helps inform the father of everything that his partner is experiencing and will be better able to offer support.

3. Do not be afraid or reluctant to ask question of health care providers regarding pregnancy and labor.

4. The father should support and nurture the mother's concerns and emotions rather than trying to rationalize them.

5. The father should listen intently to the mother. This will reinsure the mother that her partner is there for the mother.

6. Make the necessary lifestyle changes.

7. Minimize the stress in the lives of he and the mother.

8. Attempt to keep the romance in the relationship alive during pregnancy.

9. Consider taking time off work after the baby's birth.

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